Life

Kayne West and Kim Kardashian Volunteered to Live on Mars Forever

Lest we confuse our readers with a fuzzy definition right out of the gate, let’s be clear: when we say “volunteered,” we mean they were volunteered. Specifically, Kayne West and Kim Kardashian have been volunteered by NASA to live on Mars.

For. The. Rest. Of. Time.

This may seem like a strange decision for an insitution that typically stays above the day-to-day doings of the rich, powerful and highly overdramatic. But the storied 56-year-old organization has its reasons.

“NASA knows that no one on Earth will really miss either of them,” opined a NASA employee, who declined to give his name for fear of retribution from the wealthy Kardashian clan. “Besides, everyone will still be able to keep up with their crazy shenanigans here on Earth. Now there will just be signal lag time ranging from three to 20 minutes, depending on how far apart Earth and Mars are at any given moment.” The NASA employee added his belief that even adherents to reality television could probably live with the delay.

A reporter from 617VIP was lucky enough to land an exclusive interview with Kanye West shortly after he found out that he’d been assigned the honor of departing Earth within the next few months. The interview, however, was brief.

617VIP:

So are you happy to be moving to Mars?

Kanye:

What? No, I don’t want to live on no Mars. I mean, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” but my Kim, she a…

617VIP:

Fuck this.

It remains to be seen whether the West-Kardashian clan will go quietly. Insider sources have, however, confirmed some promising details. For one thing, NASA has devoted a small research division to the concept of space playgrounds, no doubt in reaction to the couple’s expected insistence on bringing their daughter North with them to Mars. Among the projected quandaries are how to build a force field to contain small children without zapping them, and whether monkey bars are still fun in 62% lower gravity.

For another, reports indicate that Prada is looking into an eventual interplanetary expansion, with a target date of sometime in the next three decades or so. Currently the debate is whether to locate their flagship off-planet store on Mars, to capitalize on Kim’s proximity, or on the Moon, which will be closer to Earthling adventurers.

Only time will tell.

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