When Sarah Palin ditched her job as as Governor of Alaska, she did not do so for the mere purpose of taking on the Fox News circuit or policing her out-of-control daughters. The politician merely needed a little me time prior to her takeover of presidential politics. She also wanted to ensure that Tina Fey was as far out of the Saturday Night Live loop as possible, so as to minimize future embarrassingly accurate portrayals alongside Amy Poehler.
Now that voters have forgotten her many blunders, Sarah Palin hopes to continue the impressive career trajectory that began with her short-lived position as mayor of Wasilla. She plans to do so with the help of Paul Ryan, who, since Mitt Romney’s dismal 2012 election, has been spending the vast majority of his spare time pumping iron at the gym.
The Attractive States Of America
Sarah Palin believes that she and Paul Ryan would form the most aesthetically pleasing Republican ticket since Ronald Reagan ran alongside George H.W. Bush. In fact, with her beauty queen status and Ryan’s mouth-watering muscles, Palin figures all voters will need to do is take a single glance at their television screens before turning out en masse on election day. Who would vote for a Hilary Clinton pantsuit after seeing Palin going rouge?
Russian Hostility — Palin Style
The United States’ already tenuous relationship with Russia is quickly crumbling, but instead of repairing said relationship, Sarah Palin thinks that it would be easier to simply return to the comfort of the Cold War. The Alaskan politician may no longer be able to keep an eye on Vladimir Putin from her backyard after she moves to the White House, but she boasts plenty of friends and family members capable of holding down the fort. While the Palins spy on Putin from the comfort of Alaska, Paul Ryan will continue his long gym sessions. By the time 2016 arrives, he will be more than ready to beat Putin in a wrestling match. What better way to resolve international disputes than in the ring?
Hunting In The White House
The Obama White House is exhaustingly academic, but that will all change when Sarah Palin and Paul Ryan come to town. Eager to follow in Teddy Roosevelt’s footsteps, Palin intends to make Capitol Hill a hunting haven. The First Husband’s primary job will involve gathering up game, which his lovely wife can shoot down from the comfort of the Oval Office. Meanwhile, her buddy Paul Ryan will use his enviable cooking skills to create rabbit jerky, squirrel stew and a number of other delectable dishes, thereby ensuring that the Palin administration will have absolutely no gatecrashers at its delightfully tacky state dinners.
President Obama simply does not create enough fodder for the tabloids to be a satisfactory president. This will all change in 2016, however, when Sarah Palin and Paul Ryan take over Washington. Get ready for an exciting eight years!