Dullard County, Alabama
December 1, 2014
Mary J. Kush, a local reporter, was on scene last Saturday when police chief, Merle Yokel, gave a press conference outlining new policies concerning marijuana use in Dullard County, Alabama.
In a recent attempt to stamp out an array of harmless behavior, law enforcement officials are ramping up efforts against pot smokers who get behind the wheel.
“They’re easy to spot,” said police chief, Yokel. ” You can tell you’ve got one because they drive so damn careful. It’s like they’re paying attention to everything.”
Officer Yokel admits to making an occasional blunder in the past, pulling over people who were simply in a good mood, or who had groceries that could be classified as “munchies” in their vehicles. Yokel further explained the new guidelines that officers followed before deciding to make a traffic stop, stressing the importance of stereotyping and making assumptions.
“Just last week, we pulled over a car with three people suspected of driving while under the influence of marijuana,” said Yokel with a smile.
“Were they driving dangerously ” asked a reporter from the crowd, ” I mean, to be pulled over, they must have done something, right?”
” Well son, as a rule we generally pull em over then figure out what they’re doing wrong,” nodded a very serious Yokel. ” One of my deputies made the stop based on uncertainty and dubiety, as normal.”
“I see,” said the reporter. ” What, if anything did the officer find in the vehicle?”
“There was incense called Bump and Grind, and in my way of thinking… that right there is enough for paraphernalia and sodomy charges,” affirmed Yokel with a glint in his eye. “One young female suspect had a bag of organic apples, and a packet of apple seeds called Panama Red. We ended up letting her go. She said she was a gardener, and wanted to grow big, fat, fruity tasting Panama Reds. I love apples myself, and took pity on her when she said that’s how she makes a living.”
(Nervous laughter from the crowd), “Do you prefer Panama Reds, Chief Yokel?” asked a young guy in the back.” You’d really love China Whites.”
“What’s her address? I have some gardening tips for her,” from the middle of the crowd. “Did she say she had some Panama Red…uh apples, ready for harvest?”
“Well, this is just the kind of thing I like to see in Dullard County. Folks buying local and homegrown produce, supporting their neighbors,” said Yokel with a smile. “I’ve got her address right here, for anyone who wants to go buy some big sweet Panama Reds today.”