Politics

Ted Cruz Terrifies a Little Girl in New Hampshire

Nothing says “American Freedom” more than inadvertently scaring tiny children.
During a recent speech, Ted Cruz said, “The Obama economy is a disaster, Obamacare is a train wreck and the Obama-Clinton foreign policy of leading from behind – the whole world is on fire.”

Concerned, a 3 year old child who was sitting on her mother’s lap chimed in and said, “The world is on fire?”

Ted Cruz responded by saying, in fancy politician words, that he was going to fix everything. At least that’s how the official story goes.

Another witness has come forward saying that there are a few missing points. Earlier in his speech, our witness has stated that Ted Cruz went behind a podium, procured a bottle of Red Bull, a handle of vodka and a glass filled with ice. As he spoke about the American way, he mixed himself a drink.

He swirled his drink around as he semi-stumbled around the speaking area. Our source indicates that by the time he got to the point in the speech mentioned above, he was halfway done with his Red Bull vodka. Ted Cruz returned to the podium and retrieved an AK-47, a clip and a box of ammo.

As he spoke about the Obama economy and Obamacare, he slowly loaded the clip with ammo. Periodically, he would pause and look around the room with a suspicious look in his eye, then take a swig of his potent drink.

When he got to the line, “the world is on fire,” the gun clip was loaded. The child piped up and said, “The world is on fire?”

Our source confirms the child definitely asked that. The difference, however, comes in how Ted Cruz reacted.

Instead of saying he’d fix the problem, our witness reports that he popped the loaded clip into the AK-47, chugged his Red Bull vodka and threw the glass on the ground. He then launched into a tirade while waving a fully loaded AK-47:

“You’re damn right the world is on fire, child. You know what? It’s going to consume us all. There’s nothing we can do about it. It’s like the world is burning in the bottom of a butter churner in the pits of hell. We can’t escape the churner, and if we did, we’d still be in hell. That’s the real world, kiddo. Engulfed in flames and butter.”

He turned his back to the audience and looked out the window. The witness is unsure what he saw, but Cruz held up his rifle, took aim, and unloaded the entire clip. He turned back around and said,” but you know what, young lady? We have guns. We can kill the demons and degrease the butter.”

It’s then reported that he stumbled out of the room. His lawyers then entered with checkbooks, paying off everyone to agree on a much more flattering story.